BREAKING: U.S. Military Now to Allow Service of Big Red Birds with Fuzzy Pink Feet

I suppose there's only one thing now to decide: is liberalism, as Michael Savage told us a decade ago, a mental disorder, or as Tom Trinko at American Thinker recently concluded, evil to the core?

Seemingly never tired of "struggling against reality," the Obama administration Pentagon has decided to allow "transgenders" to openly serve in the U.S. military. At a press conference today, Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter said,

I'm announcing today that we're ending the ban on transgender Americans in the United States military. Effective immediately, transgender Americans may serve openly, and they can no longer be discharged or otherwise separated from the military just for being transgender.

Poor Max Klinger would've been devastated, as would have the television executives at CBS. For the first seven seasons of the legendary TV show M*A*S*H*, CBS garnered millions of laughs from Americans who watched Corporal Max Klinger dress up as a woman in a silly attempt to garner a "Section 8" and a discharge from the U.S. Army. Leave it to the Obama administration to undermine one of the greatest television shows of all time.

Oh well, at least M*A*S*H* provides us with an opportunity. In its desire to accommodate all things perverse, and in order to make transgenders feel more comfortable, I'm sure the Obama administration would not object to new military dress for soldiers who wish to carry on in the Max Klinger tradition. Thus, using Klinger as inspiration, I've come up with new uniforms for the U.S. Army. (The other branches of the military can do their own Google search.)

For a combat uniform, here are three options:

The purse accessory in the middle option could be used to carry extra ammunition, supplies, and so on. The large cover in the uniform on the right might prove more useful in desert combat situations.

For formal affairs, there is Army Service Uniform. Fortunately, Klinger was not shy about sporting dressier outfits.

Note all ensembles come with a cover, with the center and the right option also coming with a jacket. The umbrella in the first outfit also doubles as a weapon to use against those not properly progressive enough when it comes to the practice of men dressing as women, and vice versa.

Of course, we need even our trans-troops to remain in top physical condition. (They have to be able to run in heels, right?) Thus, we must provide them with a physical training uniform.

Note the flexibility allowed by the first uniform. The catcher's mitt is not standard issue. The middle option is for those soldiers who wish to perform physical training as a famous female movie character. (I mean, if we're going to allow for fantasy...) Again, Dorothy's picnic basket is non-issue. Option three has the advantage of doubling as a tent.

Klinger was so diversified in his attempts to get out of the Army that he provides us with literally hundreds of additional options should the need arise. There's his maternity line:

Though, as Colonel Blake did point out in this episode, in his condition, Klinger should not be smoking. However, I'm sure the Obama-led Army will soon allow (at taxpayer expense of course) Planned Parenthood personnel on all military bases and outposts in order to remedy such unfortunate incidents.

There's the wedding line:

The patriotic line (for when important dignitaries are on base):

And lastly, the escape line, for when our trans-troops decide it's time to go AWOL:

Once airborne, it's foolproof, as from the ground one will appear as a big red bird, with fuzzy pink feet.

Copyright 2016, Trevor Grant Thomas
At the Intersection of Politics, Science, Faith, and Reason.
www.trevorgrantthomas.com
Trevor and his wife Michelle are the authors of: Debt Free Living in a Debt Filled World
tthomas@trevorgrantthomas.com